Secure Your Mask First

'Ladies and Gentleman....We are about to take off on a journey that will never quite end.  We are likely to experience turbulence from time to time, and in the event that you require an oxygen mask, one will automatically appear in front of you. To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe deeply.  If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person. Keep your mask on until you are 100% sure you no longer require it's use.  And if you require additional assistance, please notify someone immediately.'

How often have you attempted to assist someone else without first securing your own mask?  Sure, it may seem more humane, it may seem easier to help someone else and worry about yourself later, but it will certainly take longer to help that person when you're struggling to breath.  Selfishness has become a vulgar word in our society.  Yes, this world is plagued by selfish people, but it is not selfish to focus on yourself when your world has been flipped upside down.  It's OK to put yourself first!  How can you possibly help someone else when you aren't sure which way is up?

I know some widows and widowers have quickly jumped into another relationship and I am not here to judge.  We all deal with grief differently.  But for me, personally, the idea of a new relationship seems like a quick fix and a welcome distraction, and oh so tempting....but the reality is that nothing and no one can take this pain away.  I need to heal me first.  I NEED to be selfish.  I am rediscovering who I AM right now.  You can't be a good partner unless you invest in you first.  This past 10 1/2 months has taught me so much about myself and I have come a long way from the early days, when I walked the streets as a zombie, always in sunglasses with swollen eyes, unable to utter anything beyond the necessities.  And I can honestly say I am proud of myself.  And that's not bragging!  I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go.

If I could bring P back, and erase the events of the last year, I would.  But I can't.  So instead, I am grateful for this opportunity to readjust my life, to rediscover who I am as a woman, and to find a new path in life.  So I'm sorry if it takes me some time to adjust my mask.  I have clumsy fingers, what can I say ;)  But I will get there, and then I hope I will be able to assist you.