As the clock struck midnight on New Years Eve, and I started another year without P, I felt like I was at a turning point. I actually found myself making so many New Years resolutions, and I vowed this would be the year I got back to London, and back to my life.
Fast forward a few weeks and I was buying a very expensive new boiler for the flat, fixing my car, paying countless bills, and realising that moving on from this home and this place won't be as easy as I expected.
I had secured a solicitor to transfer the property into my name; however, he did not inform me of the difficulties I would face with the mortgage provider. I walked into the branch one day, simply assuming I needed to fill out some paperwork. I had been told by the bank manager that all that needed to be done was a name change; that I wouldn't need to file for a mortgage myself. A year later and I was practically laughed out the door, and bluntly told, my only options were to keep paying the mortgage into P's estate, or to sell.
I'm ready to move. I'm ready to leave. But to relinquish P's home to highest bidder? Well that's a step too far.
Then I learned my lodger is moving out. While I'm away. Causing further financial distress.
I thought to myself 'Really life? Really?! Can ya stop kicking me while I'm down please?! I'm trying to grieve! I don't have time for these practical, frustrating setbacks!'
But then I woke up today. I'm alive. I still have money in the bank and a roof over my head. Food in my belly and friends who give good hugs. Life never plays out the way you think it will. Sometimes it's devastating, hard, and seemingly unbearable. But it can always change. Just as the tragedies of life are completely unpredictable, so too can the simply wonderful moments catch you totally off guard.
A smile from a stranger. A kind word. A nice night out (or in) with friends. A great film. Love. A career opportunity. A beautiful sunset.
Anything can happen. And hopefully, after nearly 16 months of being 'dragged back by life', I'm about to be 'launched towards greatness' sometime soon.