Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Disappointingly Stuck

Meredith: The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.
Cristina: And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

Ok, so I haven't written in awhile.  I was working.  Busying myself getting the flat ready to sell.  Playing tour guide to my parents.  Busy.  Living.

And then school holidays started and a job I had set up for the school holidays fell through and then a job interview I thought went well, didn't.  And then I spent all day today applying for a job I really wanted.  Technical difficulties made it take FOREVER and by the time I finished the job was gone.  

And I started sobbing.  Again.

And then, as I watched Grey's Anatomy, I realised I wasn't upset about the job.  This is the grief at work again.
I thought I was 'over it', 'better', 'ready to move on'.  And I am but the world seems to think differently because at every turn that I make I feel like I'm stopped in my tracks.  I am stuck. Still.  Nearly 2 years later and I am stuck in what feels like a holding cell.  A friend told me 'you've got a lot of life still to live.  You can't live like you're going to die tomorrow.'  And I wanted to scream.  Life has taught me differently.  Life is short.  Immensely short.  So every waking moment that I'm not moving forward feels like a waste.  And I begin to panic.  

I'm an active person.  When I spend all day at a computer I begin to feel the energy building up in my body, ready to explode and the only cure is to workout, run, punch a punching bag....And that is how I feel about my life.  But I can't run away from it.  Even though every bone in my body is telling me to pack my bags and take off.  To give up on the idea of making any useful contribution to society and to just live like a vagabond, moving from place to place.  Which is exactly how I felt 18 months ago.  So how am I back here?  How do I fix this?  

People have said I am strong for so long.  I believed them.  But now I'm starting to seriously doubt.