Monday, 18 November 2013

Pen vs Laptop

Happy and creative?
No surely No
Tormented and twisted?
Sure I'll produce.
Destined to play
the tortured artist?
Choosing pain over happiness
to find inspiration?

Did I wish this hell upon myself?
In some twisted way
did my subconscious say
here's some creative drive
to last you the rest of your life?

When life got too much
I used to pull out my pen and paper
Now I tap tap tap
on a laptop
But you can't see the emotion in the words on the screen

My tired journals show tear marked stains
words scribbled out in a downwards spiral down the page
as I try to get the words out in the dark
under the influence, my hand drifts
the lettering is not even
words scribbled out, rewritten and rewritten again
and yet, not considered.
Bled onto the page

These words on the screen seem too perfect
too thought out
lacking the emotion they're meant to portray

You can't see how my pen presses through the page
as I angrily try to work it all out
The lines get heavier, the letters, bigger
Exclamation points and question marks
left right and centre
It just isn't the same

I miss...

I miss
you telling me to come closer on the sofa
nestling me under your arm
pressing me to tell you what's wrong,
no matter how many times I said
'I'm fine'
Hearing you say 'come here'
in that way that made me know you were about to make it
Your kisses
Your laugh
Your smile
Your hugs - how you held me so tight
How you gently wiped away my tears from my cheeks
and let me wipe my snotty nose on your jumper
as we laughed about it together
How safe I felt in your presence
We could go to the ends of the earth together
and I wouldn't be afraid, as long as you were there
How I knew you were always there to catch me if I fell
The way you got on with everyone
You making me laugh
Winding me up
Winding you up
Making breakfast together
Making dinner together
Watching Britain's got Talent
Sharing a bottle of wine
Family dinners
Holding your hand
Afternoon naps
Late night phone calls
Text messages
Making plans

I could keep listing all the things I miss about you but the list would go on