Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Unemployment Ain't Easy

I have been trying to find the motivation to write again for so long.  The words don't come easily anymore.  Sometimes I think I was only able to write because of all the pain.  And now that it doesn't hurt so much, or rather, that it doesn't hurt ALL THE TIME.....I'm scared I've lost my creativity.  But if I'm honest with myself, it's probably down to the fact that I've allowed myself to be consumed by Facebook, Netflix, Pinterest, and LinkedIn.  The past few days I've found myself in a strange position. With no work on and no real ability to look for work, I have been b.o.r.e.d.  SO I regularly check all my social media sites, troll the internet for new recipes, and generally avoid using my creativity.  How lazy have I become?!  Rather than sitting in front of a site, looking at what all the other people are doing with their lives, why don't I use this down time to write?  To work on future creative projects?

Well...I blame unemployment.

I know what you're thinking.... 'what a cop out!'  Surely if I'm unemployed I should have all the time in the world to be creative and productive.

Truth is, I never knew how hard it was being unemployed until I found myself in it.  Sure I still have promotions work generally once a week.  But mostly, I am not working.  And the fact is I have only been working part time for the past 2 years.  And it is beginning to wear on me.  First there's the financial implications.  Seeing all your money go out of your account every month and very little come back in gets depressing.  And let's be honest, applying to jobs is one of the most tedious and time consuming things ever.  And then there's the ones with the on line forms, which force you to retype your whole CV into their tiny, formatted boxes.  Those are fun.  I once spent 3 hours on one such application because just as I finished it, it froze and deleted everything I'd inputted, twice.  THEN when I finished doing it for the third time, the job was gone.

But what I'm really talking about is the soul destroying, confidence crushing nature of unemployment. It's said that 'the longer a person is unemployed, the harder it is for him/her to find work'.  True.  Employers don't look favourably on these type of people, BUT it's more than that.  The longer you've been unemployed, and the more job rejections you've faced, the less confidence you project.  I KNOW I could do a lot of things out there but deep down I am overwhelmingly scared of failing.  I know I reek of desperation in an interview room.  But sometimes I want to scream at them.  'I NEED this job!  You don't understand, I NEED something to hold on to.  Because everything, and I mean everything, has changed in my life in the last few years, and I need something that is mine.  That will give me a focus and a reason to get up in the morning.'  I need a reason to get up in the morning.

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