6 months and Counting

Tomorrow I am hoping to tick off #1 on my list by completing a tandem skydive for charity. People keep asking me how I feel about it. (It's in honour of my husband) I never know how to answer. I often feel like I'm trying to souce out what answer people want to hear. Like the age old question 'how are you?' No one ever actually expects the person to say how they actually are. But when everyone seemingly KNOWS what you've been through it feels like lying to say 'I'm ok'. But at the same time if I say 'eh, hanging in there' I can see the other person crumple inside. Their minds start racing and I can almost hear them say 'shit, what do I say now?', wishing they'd never asked. People seem to find me crazy when I say I'm looking forward to throwing myself out of a plane. But when you lose someone part of you dies. I've spent the last 6 months numbly existing, getting out of bed, and attempting to the mark the day somehow. It's not unusual for people to make BIG changes to their lives after losing a spouse - it's the quest to feel alive again.