Monday 28 May 2012

This Time Last Year

After a difficult and stressful year in our relationship, this time last year P and I were debating the ever present question: to marry or not to marry?  As a foreigner in this country we always knew if we wanted to stay together marriage was our only option.  We didn't need the title. We just wanted to live together, to spend our lives together.  Marriage scared me. I feared we'd end up a bickering, miserable couple. I don't know why. I just wanted to be with my love.  And when it came down to it, the fear of a day spent apart far outweighed the fear of marriage.
As a 36 year old bachelor P was hesitant at first.  Determined not to press the issue, I devised a back up plan. I would get a job teaching English in Spain and we would take our long distance relationship to the next level (just not in the way I'd hoped).  So this time last year I took off for Spain and left P at home.  Those 12  days were dreadfully painful.  Unable to talk often, I wondered what he was thinking, I feared the end of our relationship as I knew it, I ached to return to his arms and yet I feared the imminent 'talk'.
A year ago today, P looked at me and said how much he'd missed me and didn't want a life without me.  To me he acted like such a cool customer about it.  He played along as I made the point of not making a big fuss of it.  I wanted the big 'white' wedding in a year's time in America and thought people wouldn't want to hear about two weddings.  So this one was for us and the second would be for friends and family.
I later found out how he talked excitedly about our impending nuptials to all his work colleagues like a child in the lead up to Christmas. In July 2011 we were married on the happiest day of our lives.  I had no idea how meaningful I would find those vows until I uttered them aloud whilst looking into P's eyes. And later, when I saw the grin spread across his face at hearing his friends call us 'Mr & Mrs' I knew how much it meant to him.  Looking back I am so grateful our ceremony was as it was.  It was intimate, with only P's family and best friend present.  We were able to focus on the meaning of the words, rather than the elaborate planning usually required.  It was as if we knew we did not have much time left.

In a few days I will embark on my first holiday alone since losing my man and I will be returning to Spain.  I know that the thought of returning to an empty home will be looming over my head the whole time, the memories of last year playing out like a broken record in my mind.  I could have chose somewhere different.  I would have preferred it.  But in some ways it feels like a bookend to the past year.  I visited this same friend this time last year.  So much has changed.  I am no longer the girl I was 12 months ago.  Will my Amiga recognise me?
I reluctantly realised today that losing P has and will continue to change me irreversibly.  My heart will never fully heal, a part will always rest with P, but....I am beginning to accept that I am changing for the better as well.  At 27 years old I am finally learning to love myself and I have P to thank for teaching me how to do so.  As I bought my first skimpy bikini this week I smiled a bittersweet smile - P would be so proud. 

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