Lost for Words

I've struggled to write as of late.  I wondered why and I've missed it.  But since my wedding anniversary I have been keenly aware of the BIG one looming in the distance.
It's as if I'm sat in a rollercoaster, slowly chugging up to the top of a very steep, very long, very high peak.  I'm now reaching the top and I know that at any moment I will be propelled down the hill at a rapid rate.  All I can do is adjust my grip, tighten my seatbelt, and try to keep breathing.  There are no words to describe my emotions these days.  It is a state of numbness, of readying myself.  I know I have come a long way, and I am confident that no matter how hard the Grief Monster may try to pull me back into that deep dark hole, he will not succeed.  I know now that I am a fighter, I am a survivor.

But I am tired.
Tired of the everyday little battles
of being alone
Tired of trying to start again
of figuring out what I want now
of getting to know this new me
I'm tired of seeing happy couples all around
of trying to be happy for others,
when secretly
I'm just plain jealous.
I'm tired of feeling guilty
for thinking bad thoughts
for not thinking of him
every second of every day
for not being the best friend
best daughter
best person I can be
I'm tired of thinking of what could have been
should have been
might have been
Of remembering the moments I'd rather forget
I'm tired of the boredom
so great
nothing can cure it
But most of all
I'm tired of missing him

I do not know what effect the Grief Monster will have on me over these next few months.  I must admit, I am afraid.  I don't know how much more strength and stamina I have left in me.  But for now, I'll just keep breathing, close my eyes, and hold on tight.