Friday marked 11 months. In just a few days it will be one year since P entered the hospital, never to leave.
I'm feeling fragile, reverting back to activities that got me through the early days. I've become immersed in seasons of tv shows, impatiently awaiting the time in the evening when I can sit down and watch countless episodes. In the early days I remember feeling anxious when I couldn't watch my shows. The characters had become my friends, watching episodes back to back was my routine, and the action unfolding on the screen took me away from the drama of my own life. I'm eating sporadically. Nibbling here and there, trying to make sure I have proper meals too when I can, and consuming copious amounts of chocolate and sweets. I'm back on the wine. In the early days I had to have 1-2 glasses of red wine every night just to sleep. Many times 2 became 3....Now I'm finding myself drawn back to the wine aisle, back to the routine. I'm shaky, at times. When P was in hospital, the fear of losing him, and the stress of looking after him used to make me shiver uncontrollably. I wasn't necessarily cold, but my whole body would shake, from the inside out. I've learned recently this is a symptom of the adrenal system gone out of whack, the fight or flight instinct in overdrive. I'm spacey too - well that's never quite gone away. Grief robs you of your memory. That's why so many people say 'it was all a blur' when referring to the early days. And it takes a LONG time to get that back. I still haven't recovered it fully but I'm getting there.
But things are also completely different than last year.
I've found ways of coping. I've learned what this 'grief thing' is, what the symptoms are, and how to deal with them. Or...I've just gotten REALLY good at ignoring the ugly grief monster.
Nevertheless, here's what's helped me through the past 11 months:
1. Staying with friends immediately afterwards. I was not ready to be on my own. They gave me a home for a few months, where I had space to be alone, but people quietly there for me when I needed them.
2. Getting my UK driving license. Starting lessons in January gave me something to focus on. Learning a new skill that was vitally important, and which held an end goal was instrumental in helping to me begin to put one foot in front of the other.
3. Running - I started running with a friend only a few weeks afterwards. It was the only time I didn't feel like crying and the only time when I felt alive. Training for a 10k and then a half marathon meant that I couldn't stop because I 'didn't feel like it'. And nothing beats exercise endorphins - they are natural anti-depressants.
4. Working with caring individuals. I was really fortunate to have joined a teaching assistant agency before P got ill. When I told them what had happened, they were completely understanding and said that when I was ready they would find me work. They found me something part time, working with kids who were going through a rough time too. The staff there are naturally very caring and working provided me with some structure to my week.
5. Blogging!! This has been a wonderful outlet for me. Before beginning this, I journalled regularly, writing to P. I wasn't ready to stop talking to him, so it helped me to stay connected to him. I still do this occasionally when I need to. I really encourage everyone who's going through something to write. It helps to get the emotion out and it is something to look back on. I have been looking at some of my early entries and it helps me to realise how FAR I've come.
6. NEW CHALLENGES!!! I have become much more adventurous in these past 11 months. Tandem sky dive, scuba diving, hiking up mountains, and next up - snowboarding! When you're doing something new you have to focus on it 100% and it gives you a wonderful reprieve from the constant all-consuming grief thoughts. And when you complete a new challenge, you feel alive and invigorated! and strong!
7. Getting the right lodger. Living with my new flatmate has meant that I no longer feel able to sit on the sofa feeling sorry for myself in the evenings. And this is a good thing! at some point we have to drag our bums off the sofa, dust ourselves off and say 'well, that happened, now how am I going to handle this? what's next for me?' Because even though I'd loved to have gone with him, I am still alive! The best way of honouring P's memory is by living.
8. Finding a way back to your passion - I have slowly been returning to my acting career. It's different now. It doesn't define me, or even mean that much to me. But being involved in theatre is a part of who I was and I am reclaiming that part, bit by bit.
9. Returning to the day job. I used to work in promotions. I never thought I'd be able to be smiley enough, outgoing enough, vibrant enough to work in promotions or sales again. Recently I've been working as a rep in a retail store. On my feedback forms I was described as 'smiley, and pleasant'! The experience there has built my confidence back up tremendously.
10. Being open to getting to know new friends and relishing the company of old friends. I have been immensely fortunate to have been graced with angels (friends who have walked into (or back into) my life at the time when I needed them most). I can not thank you enough. I'm sure I devote a whole entry to each of you, but you know who you are. You have kept me going when I thought I had nothing left in the tank and you continue to do so.
Thank you. You have quite possibly saved my life. Thank you.
I'm feeling fragile, reverting back to activities that got me through the early days. I've become immersed in seasons of tv shows, impatiently awaiting the time in the evening when I can sit down and watch countless episodes. In the early days I remember feeling anxious when I couldn't watch my shows. The characters had become my friends, watching episodes back to back was my routine, and the action unfolding on the screen took me away from the drama of my own life. I'm eating sporadically. Nibbling here and there, trying to make sure I have proper meals too when I can, and consuming copious amounts of chocolate and sweets. I'm back on the wine. In the early days I had to have 1-2 glasses of red wine every night just to sleep. Many times 2 became 3....Now I'm finding myself drawn back to the wine aisle, back to the routine. I'm shaky, at times. When P was in hospital, the fear of losing him, and the stress of looking after him used to make me shiver uncontrollably. I wasn't necessarily cold, but my whole body would shake, from the inside out. I've learned recently this is a symptom of the adrenal system gone out of whack, the fight or flight instinct in overdrive. I'm spacey too - well that's never quite gone away. Grief robs you of your memory. That's why so many people say 'it was all a blur' when referring to the early days. And it takes a LONG time to get that back. I still haven't recovered it fully but I'm getting there.
But things are also completely different than last year.
I've found ways of coping. I've learned what this 'grief thing' is, what the symptoms are, and how to deal with them. Or...I've just gotten REALLY good at ignoring the ugly grief monster.
Nevertheless, here's what's helped me through the past 11 months:
1. Staying with friends immediately afterwards. I was not ready to be on my own. They gave me a home for a few months, where I had space to be alone, but people quietly there for me when I needed them.
2. Getting my UK driving license. Starting lessons in January gave me something to focus on. Learning a new skill that was vitally important, and which held an end goal was instrumental in helping to me begin to put one foot in front of the other.
3. Running - I started running with a friend only a few weeks afterwards. It was the only time I didn't feel like crying and the only time when I felt alive. Training for a 10k and then a half marathon meant that I couldn't stop because I 'didn't feel like it'. And nothing beats exercise endorphins - they are natural anti-depressants.
4. Working with caring individuals. I was really fortunate to have joined a teaching assistant agency before P got ill. When I told them what had happened, they were completely understanding and said that when I was ready they would find me work. They found me something part time, working with kids who were going through a rough time too. The staff there are naturally very caring and working provided me with some structure to my week.
5. Blogging!! This has been a wonderful outlet for me. Before beginning this, I journalled regularly, writing to P. I wasn't ready to stop talking to him, so it helped me to stay connected to him. I still do this occasionally when I need to. I really encourage everyone who's going through something to write. It helps to get the emotion out and it is something to look back on. I have been looking at some of my early entries and it helps me to realise how FAR I've come.
6. NEW CHALLENGES!!! I have become much more adventurous in these past 11 months. Tandem sky dive, scuba diving, hiking up mountains, and next up - snowboarding! When you're doing something new you have to focus on it 100% and it gives you a wonderful reprieve from the constant all-consuming grief thoughts. And when you complete a new challenge, you feel alive and invigorated! and strong!
7. Getting the right lodger. Living with my new flatmate has meant that I no longer feel able to sit on the sofa feeling sorry for myself in the evenings. And this is a good thing! at some point we have to drag our bums off the sofa, dust ourselves off and say 'well, that happened, now how am I going to handle this? what's next for me?' Because even though I'd loved to have gone with him, I am still alive! The best way of honouring P's memory is by living.
8. Finding a way back to your passion - I have slowly been returning to my acting career. It's different now. It doesn't define me, or even mean that much to me. But being involved in theatre is a part of who I was and I am reclaiming that part, bit by bit.
9. Returning to the day job. I used to work in promotions. I never thought I'd be able to be smiley enough, outgoing enough, vibrant enough to work in promotions or sales again. Recently I've been working as a rep in a retail store. On my feedback forms I was described as 'smiley, and pleasant'! The experience there has built my confidence back up tremendously.
10. Being open to getting to know new friends and relishing the company of old friends. I have been immensely fortunate to have been graced with angels (friends who have walked into (or back into) my life at the time when I needed them most). I can not thank you enough. I'm sure I devote a whole entry to each of you, but you know who you are. You have kept me going when I thought I had nothing left in the tank and you continue to do so.
Thank you. You have quite possibly saved my life. Thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment