So I had a look at my last entry and boy did I leave A LOT out!! Specifically, the most helpful, most personal stuff. And well, this blog is meant to be honest, so it's time to get real people. Even if ya all think I'm crazy, I'm gonna share anyways. It's time to look at one of those deeper, nittier-grittier aspects of my recovery.
I've mentioned before how much 'Widowed Too Soon' helped me in the early days. Well....what it did was open me up to a new type of faith. Born and raised Catholic, I had drifted from the religion in my university days and only continued to attend church on major holidays because 'that's what you do', but my heart wasn't in it. I desperately wanted a belief system that resonated with my soul. After losing P, the thought of Catholicism made me want to scream. I hated God. I didn't believe that this was 'God's plan', or that He 'knew what was best for me'. Attending church only left me in fits of tears, as the songs inevitably spoke of life after death. What should have comforted me, left me feeling more alone, more cold, and more hurt.
Laura Hirsch (the author of 'Widowed Too Soon') spoke of a similar upbringing and the same spiritual struggles after the loss of her husband. When your whole life has been derailed, nothing can be the same thereafter.
The book is sectioned into seven parts but it was part five and six that made me press 'purchase' on Amazon: Spiritual Transformation & After-Death Communication. Laura was just like me. I identified with her so much, I felt like I knew her. She was skeptical about mediums, spirituality, and after-death communication, but she was in search of a solution to her religious dilemma. So skeptical was she, that she read numerous books before going, she tested multiple mediums, and she taped sessions. She explains what led her down this path much better than I can ever recall here (there's a reason it spans two parts of her book!) but what I can say is that she comes across as sincere, and down to earth, and understanding that many people may not subscribe to her (or my) belief systems. Every religion has value in it. My main point of this entry is that faith has helped me immensely, and I think developing a belief system (whatever that may be) is extremely helpful in surviving a loss.
Anyways....reading about her experiences with mediums made me believe that there IS life after death. There's a popular poem that speaks of death as only crossing into the next room - it goes something like this:
And it is this faith that has carried me through. P is not gone. He is all around. The one aspect of faith we both agreed on was that we are made of energy, energy never dies, so we must live on, some how, some way. I trust he is watching me and I have had signs that make me believe he is reaching out from time to time to let me know he's ok and I will be too. I'd love to share this special moments, and the messages I've had from mediums, but I am aware that these moments are too intimate, too personal to mean anything to anyone but me.
When people compliment me on how I've carried on I feel the praise is undeserved. The praise should be laid on P, for his love for me has not died, and it is the love we shared that makes me strong, it is HE that raises me up, and gently pushes me forward. I truly believe he has placed all the wonderful people in my life in my path at the exact moment I needed them most. I know that the opportunities that come my way are his doing, and I trust that I will have a good life, because he would not have it any other way. He always spoke of how he wanted me to pursue and achieve my dreams, and I can not let him down.
I've mentioned before how much 'Widowed Too Soon' helped me in the early days. Well....what it did was open me up to a new type of faith. Born and raised Catholic, I had drifted from the religion in my university days and only continued to attend church on major holidays because 'that's what you do', but my heart wasn't in it. I desperately wanted a belief system that resonated with my soul. After losing P, the thought of Catholicism made me want to scream. I hated God. I didn't believe that this was 'God's plan', or that He 'knew what was best for me'. Attending church only left me in fits of tears, as the songs inevitably spoke of life after death. What should have comforted me, left me feeling more alone, more cold, and more hurt.
Laura Hirsch (the author of 'Widowed Too Soon') spoke of a similar upbringing and the same spiritual struggles after the loss of her husband. When your whole life has been derailed, nothing can be the same thereafter.
The book is sectioned into seven parts but it was part five and six that made me press 'purchase' on Amazon: Spiritual Transformation & After-Death Communication. Laura was just like me. I identified with her so much, I felt like I knew her. She was skeptical about mediums, spirituality, and after-death communication, but she was in search of a solution to her religious dilemma. So skeptical was she, that she read numerous books before going, she tested multiple mediums, and she taped sessions. She explains what led her down this path much better than I can ever recall here (there's a reason it spans two parts of her book!) but what I can say is that she comes across as sincere, and down to earth, and understanding that many people may not subscribe to her (or my) belief systems. Every religion has value in it. My main point of this entry is that faith has helped me immensely, and I think developing a belief system (whatever that may be) is extremely helpful in surviving a loss.
Anyways....reading about her experiences with mediums made me believe that there IS life after death. There's a popular poem that speaks of death as only crossing into the next room - it goes something like this:
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without affect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without affect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.
All is well.
by Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)
Canon of St. Paul’s Cathedral
Canon of St. Paul’s Cathedral
And it is this faith that has carried me through. P is not gone. He is all around. The one aspect of faith we both agreed on was that we are made of energy, energy never dies, so we must live on, some how, some way. I trust he is watching me and I have had signs that make me believe he is reaching out from time to time to let me know he's ok and I will be too. I'd love to share this special moments, and the messages I've had from mediums, but I am aware that these moments are too intimate, too personal to mean anything to anyone but me.
When people compliment me on how I've carried on I feel the praise is undeserved. The praise should be laid on P, for his love for me has not died, and it is the love we shared that makes me strong, it is HE that raises me up, and gently pushes me forward. I truly believe he has placed all the wonderful people in my life in my path at the exact moment I needed them most. I know that the opportunities that come my way are his doing, and I trust that I will have a good life, because he would not have it any other way. He always spoke of how he wanted me to pursue and achieve my dreams, and I can not let him down.
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