I was chatting with one of the Aussies the other night and all of a sudden a rant spluttered out of my mouth and all the things I'd been suppressing and hiding from boiled to the surface and spilt out of me like word vomit. It was truly enlightening - 'I've gone crazy! I'm crazy! that's what is it! Yep, I'm crazy'. Is pretty much how the rant ended.
I'd been explaining this utter confused state I've been embodying for the past month or so. I never realised it was possible to feel sick with grief, to have to mentally block out the memories and the emotions because you just can't handle it anymore, and yet, to begin to find happiness at the same time. I mean, did you ever think that happiness and extreme emotional turmoil could exist simultaneously? I sure didn't.
Let me first say that it is not without hesitation that I have decided to publish this post. It has sat, written, ready to be read for nearly a week. Because, part of this newfound happiness is the result of realising that I might be able to feel something for another man after losing the love of my life, and well, it's a big deal, and an issue that has caused a great deal of pain in the widowed community. It is hard to hear about 'one of us' moving forward. I remember reading about young widows in the early days who had remarried and I thought 'well it's alright for you now!' And then there's P's friends.....I don't want to hurt them. But hopefully this will help explain that it is not clear cut. So let's just agree that this is a tough subject, but an important one.
Now, where was I?
Oh right.
That good friend from the past that's back in my life? Well....let's call him Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time. Through Skype talks and text messages, Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time has made me so happy this past month or so....he's reminded me where I came from and what I left behind. He's brought out the old me, the strong one, the one who saw the dark humour in life. He makes me laugh and forget about the pain of this past year, and yet, he also listens when I want to talk about it. He's everything I asked P for in the early days. When I went for long walks and called out in teary wails 'send me someone to take this pain away! send me someone who will look after me! Handpick my next man, because only you know what/who I need!' In the early days I heard P's voice. God I miss that. And at that time, I heard him say, with a cheeky grin on his face, and a glint in his eye 'Ok, I'll make sure this one is romantic'. And I laughed out loud. It had always been my gripe with him. He knew I needed more compliments, more outpours of love with words, and he always felt he let me down on that front. I wish I could have seen the love in his eyes and been satisfied. I know now though. I remember what I couldn't see at the time.
But.....I digress....
I am so enamoured at the moment I have found myself thinking crazy thoughts...'maybe it's time to move back to the US...I'm not doing anything here. My career is not going anywhere here. I feel like my life is on pause here.' And this is how the rant started.....'I have spent 1 year with my life on pause and here I am, 12 months later, and I'm still stagnant. I still have not moved forward! I know have emotionally, I've moved mountains, but my life is still at a stand still! I can see 30...it's only 2 years away and I do not want to enter my 30's in this state. I want to have a life. I want to LIVE my life. I want a career that I am proud of. I want to know where I'm going to live and what I'm going to do with my life. I'm tired of not knowing. I am TIRED. I'm tired of being patient, and trusting that it will come to me. I'm tired of living in a state of limbo! I have existed in this state for FAR too long. Maybe it's time to throw the towel in and move back. Or move somewhere else. I don't know! I just want to take off. I want to do something crazy. I can't be here anymore! I just can't do this anymore!'
The reality is....so much has changed. P wouldn't recognise the new me, or my current life. And yet, not much has changed at all. I still don't know which way to turn. My memory still functions as a sieve making mundane tasks take twice as long as necessary because I forget what I'm doing half way through a task and I make silly mistakes that mean starting over, or going back to the store a million times. I still hate looking at my diary (that's a calendar for you American folks) because I don't want to see the anniversary dates each month or think about this time last year. I still struggle to eat properly and sleep properly. I'm still tired. All. the. time. I have little patience for stupid, meaningless complaints. I hate when people moan about break ups. I get angry, REALLY angry over stupid things (and I know it's not over the thing I'm getting angry about...duh!) And songs catch me off guard, every time.
And all these things? Well, they're making me CRAZY! I just want to run away! I want to run into the arms of Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time and let him take all my pain away. I want to start over, start completely 100% over. I want to fast forward through year two and on to whatever year it is when I'm ok and normal, when I'm functional and ambitious again, when I love autumn and Christmas again, when I've formed new memories so the old don't hurt as bad. And yet....
I know....this is not healthy. That Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time can't not take away the pain, cannot fix my life for me. I loved that P was older and wiser than me. He'd been there, done that, and always reassured me that I would be successful, that I would get there, just as he did. But looking back, I realise that I always kind of expected him to do it for me. Well, not really, that's not really possible. But you know what I mean. I guess, as long as I had him, I wasn't that bothered about 'making it'. And I don't want to make that same mistake twice. Because now I know that people aren't here forever. We have to learn how to make ourselves happy. We have to find our passion, and devote ourselves to developing a fulfilled life.
So here it is: Feeling for someone new? If you didn't get it already, is oh so complicated. It's ok to feel again for someone new. It's ok to be happy again, because it doesn't erase the sad. The happy and the sad can coexist, and isn't that great? But it still feels strange. Like a shoe that doesn't quite fit, but looks SOO good, and feels just right for short bursts of time, but if you wear it too long gives you a blister that covers the length of your foot. So you got to break it in, slowly, regularly. You have to give yourself time. You have to be patient with yourself. Sigh....I have to be patient with myself. And maybe, just maybe when the crazy's settled, Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time will become Mr Right Place, Right Time.
I'd been explaining this utter confused state I've been embodying for the past month or so. I never realised it was possible to feel sick with grief, to have to mentally block out the memories and the emotions because you just can't handle it anymore, and yet, to begin to find happiness at the same time. I mean, did you ever think that happiness and extreme emotional turmoil could exist simultaneously? I sure didn't.
Let me first say that it is not without hesitation that I have decided to publish this post. It has sat, written, ready to be read for nearly a week. Because, part of this newfound happiness is the result of realising that I might be able to feel something for another man after losing the love of my life, and well, it's a big deal, and an issue that has caused a great deal of pain in the widowed community. It is hard to hear about 'one of us' moving forward. I remember reading about young widows in the early days who had remarried and I thought 'well it's alright for you now!' And then there's P's friends.....I don't want to hurt them. But hopefully this will help explain that it is not clear cut. So let's just agree that this is a tough subject, but an important one.
Now, where was I?
Oh right.
That good friend from the past that's back in my life? Well....let's call him Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time. Through Skype talks and text messages, Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time has made me so happy this past month or so....he's reminded me where I came from and what I left behind. He's brought out the old me, the strong one, the one who saw the dark humour in life. He makes me laugh and forget about the pain of this past year, and yet, he also listens when I want to talk about it. He's everything I asked P for in the early days. When I went for long walks and called out in teary wails 'send me someone to take this pain away! send me someone who will look after me! Handpick my next man, because only you know what/who I need!' In the early days I heard P's voice. God I miss that. And at that time, I heard him say, with a cheeky grin on his face, and a glint in his eye 'Ok, I'll make sure this one is romantic'. And I laughed out loud. It had always been my gripe with him. He knew I needed more compliments, more outpours of love with words, and he always felt he let me down on that front. I wish I could have seen the love in his eyes and been satisfied. I know now though. I remember what I couldn't see at the time.
But.....I digress....
I am so enamoured at the moment I have found myself thinking crazy thoughts...'maybe it's time to move back to the US...I'm not doing anything here. My career is not going anywhere here. I feel like my life is on pause here.' And this is how the rant started.....'I have spent 1 year with my life on pause and here I am, 12 months later, and I'm still stagnant. I still have not moved forward! I know have emotionally, I've moved mountains, but my life is still at a stand still! I can see 30...it's only 2 years away and I do not want to enter my 30's in this state. I want to have a life. I want to LIVE my life. I want a career that I am proud of. I want to know where I'm going to live and what I'm going to do with my life. I'm tired of not knowing. I am TIRED. I'm tired of being patient, and trusting that it will come to me. I'm tired of living in a state of limbo! I have existed in this state for FAR too long. Maybe it's time to throw the towel in and move back. Or move somewhere else. I don't know! I just want to take off. I want to do something crazy. I can't be here anymore! I just can't do this anymore!'
The reality is....so much has changed. P wouldn't recognise the new me, or my current life. And yet, not much has changed at all. I still don't know which way to turn. My memory still functions as a sieve making mundane tasks take twice as long as necessary because I forget what I'm doing half way through a task and I make silly mistakes that mean starting over, or going back to the store a million times. I still hate looking at my diary (that's a calendar for you American folks) because I don't want to see the anniversary dates each month or think about this time last year. I still struggle to eat properly and sleep properly. I'm still tired. All. the. time. I have little patience for stupid, meaningless complaints. I hate when people moan about break ups. I get angry, REALLY angry over stupid things (and I know it's not over the thing I'm getting angry about...duh!) And songs catch me off guard, every time.
And all these things? Well, they're making me CRAZY! I just want to run away! I want to run into the arms of Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time and let him take all my pain away. I want to start over, start completely 100% over. I want to fast forward through year two and on to whatever year it is when I'm ok and normal, when I'm functional and ambitious again, when I love autumn and Christmas again, when I've formed new memories so the old don't hurt as bad. And yet....
I know....this is not healthy. That Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time can't not take away the pain, cannot fix my life for me. I loved that P was older and wiser than me. He'd been there, done that, and always reassured me that I would be successful, that I would get there, just as he did. But looking back, I realise that I always kind of expected him to do it for me. Well, not really, that's not really possible. But you know what I mean. I guess, as long as I had him, I wasn't that bothered about 'making it'. And I don't want to make that same mistake twice. Because now I know that people aren't here forever. We have to learn how to make ourselves happy. We have to find our passion, and devote ourselves to developing a fulfilled life.
So here it is: Feeling for someone new? If you didn't get it already, is oh so complicated. It's ok to feel again for someone new. It's ok to be happy again, because it doesn't erase the sad. The happy and the sad can coexist, and isn't that great? But it still feels strange. Like a shoe that doesn't quite fit, but looks SOO good, and feels just right for short bursts of time, but if you wear it too long gives you a blister that covers the length of your foot. So you got to break it in, slowly, regularly. You have to give yourself time. You have to be patient with yourself. Sigh....I have to be patient with myself. And maybe, just maybe when the crazy's settled, Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time will become Mr Right Place, Right Time.
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