'I may look your age, but inside I'm about 100 years older'

I may look your age but inside I'm about a hundred years older. - Private Practice

I love it when a tv show gives you a quote that nails it right on the head.  I have been addicted to Private Practice (the spin off of Grey's Anatomy) since last year when I discovered one of the lead characters was a widower.  I immediately began watching every episode with a fine toothed comb - watching closely to see how they portrayed this difficult journey, hoping to gain some insight of what the future might hold.  This year is the final season, season 8 and in the first episode, Pete, the widower, passes away suddenly from a heart attack.  Thus far, in the episodes that followed, the writers have dealt with the different character's grief in each episode and I'm so grateful that they haven't just 'done the funeral and moved on' like they do in so many tv series when a character dies.  They are really investing in portraying how the grieving process is different for everyone involved, how a loss affects every relationship in different ways.  And although it makes me cry uncontrollably from time to time, I am relishing watching this season.  It's cathartic.  And sometimes I find quotes like the one above that just get me.

Initially I found it so hard to socialise with friends my age.  I even felt decades older than friends 15 years my senior.  In some ways, over the course of the last year, I feel like part of me reached old age, and died.  This may sound crazy, but go with me on this one....

A friend said to me in the early days 'some people live multiple lives in one lifetime'.  That stuck with me.  And so I've not only mourned the loss of P, but the loss of that life.  Our life.  Our future.  The girl I once was - wide eyed, optimistic, passionately in love.  That life was brought to a crushing halt when P died and it's been dying a slow death ever since.  I have finally begun to accept the loss of that life, and the loss of that self.  I look back at the girl I was one year ago and I feel so sorry for her, it breaks my heart, that she had to go through such a hideous experience at the age of 26.  That might make me sound like a lunatic, but honestly, I feel like a different woman now, in a different life.

At times I still feel about 100 years older than I look.  Friends moan about financial stress, job worries, break ups, and living circumstances.  They hold grudges, and end friendships.  And I stand back, listen, and watch, like an elderly grandparent I smile knowingly and try to offer advice.  But inside, I know.  Life is too short for these mundane worries.  And I pray they never know the emotions I feel.  That they never experience all that I have.  And if they do, that they are as old on the outside as I now feel.

I can not lose the wisdom I've gained, and nor would I want to in some ways.  I am who I am because of what I've been through, but it makes it hard to operate as a 'normal' 27 year old.  My desires are not the same, my view of life is drastically different, and I have an urgency inside that is difficult to explain.    I'm so acutely aware of the fragility of life that I am eager to tick off my bucket list items as quickly as possible and I'm desperately afraid of passing up any opportunity at acquiring a semblance of happiness again.  I want to be impulsive but I've been there and done that.  I'm wary of making the same mistakes twice, of putting all my eggs in one basket yet again.  Sometimes I think - the more you know, the harder this life is.  If only we could start over at the beginning.  If only we could live like wide eyed children, appreciating each and every moment without bitterness or pessimism.  Wouldn't that be great?