Depression.
It's a taboo topic.
And I can kind of understand why. It's hard to understand what it is and how it feels until you've experienced it. And no, it's not just like 'being really sad'.
I honestly didn't get it. I would say all the right things to friends who admitted they had dealt with or were currently battling with depression. I'd advocate taking anti-depressants when needed. I'd tell them not to be ashamed, that they weren't alone, that it was a chemical imbalance, and it wasn't them. But I did not get it. I had been REALLY sad in the past and thought it was like that. I remember spending countless days sobbing with P told me he couldn't move to London as planned because he had to take care of his sick mother. I struggled to eat, focusing on tasks was near impossible, and dragging myself up out of bed was difficult. But once I was around people I was able to put it to one side and carry on.
This depression I'm experiencing now? It's hard to hide.
I sit in the rehearsal room, barely able to crack a smile, fighting to make small talk as required, and resting my head and body every chance I get. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to scream. Time seems to drag and this aching sensation feels like it will never end. Food is so boring. Talking is boring. TV is dull. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes the minutes tick over faster. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I feel like everything is an uphill battle.
I let the rubbish pile up this week until it was full to the rim. The dishes mounted in the sink until I could fit no more. Bits of dried cereal lay on the floor for days. Changing the channel required too much energy so the TV stayed on one channel throughout the night. I am late to most engagements because the only time I can get up and go is when I'm running late. Some days that sense of urgency is the only motivation I can find.
This show has been one of the hardest challenges of this year. It is so hard to act in a comedy when inside you're being consumed by a pit of darkness.
I was prescribed anti-depressants. And even after good friends gently encouraged me to start taking them despite my fear, they are still sitting in my bedside table drawer, the box unopened. Why? It's not the taboo. It's not a sense of 'pride'. It's a fear of an outside force dictating my mood, controlling my emotions. And yet, this depression feels just like that. Like someone has taken over my mind and body. This is not me.
This year I have been SAD. I have been DISTRAUGHT. I have been ripped up and torn apart. But it was always ME. Even when I felt out of control I knew where the emotions were coming from. Now.... I feel like I'm only just in control. It's a thin line and frankly its disturbing.
So next time someone talks about being depressed, please try to understand....it's not just that they're a bit sad and they need to 'buck up'. Help them, practically. Go round and eat with them. Try to get them out of the house for a walk or a meal. Realise that they might not want to talk. Silent company is still helpful. Encourage them to exercise by offering to do it with them. Exercise really does help but it's so hard to find the motivation. Send encouraging texts. And most of all, remember that your help might not be appreciated or accepted now, but when the fog clears they will be grateful.
As for me? Well I'm the resilient, stubborn type. I'll see my doctor again, go back to my counsellor, and generally make the most of the good days and try to go easy on myself on the bad days. I will get through this, I know that. But until then, please put with my moaning about how much this sucks, and how badly I miss him.
It's a taboo topic.
And I can kind of understand why. It's hard to understand what it is and how it feels until you've experienced it. And no, it's not just like 'being really sad'.
I honestly didn't get it. I would say all the right things to friends who admitted they had dealt with or were currently battling with depression. I'd advocate taking anti-depressants when needed. I'd tell them not to be ashamed, that they weren't alone, that it was a chemical imbalance, and it wasn't them. But I did not get it. I had been REALLY sad in the past and thought it was like that. I remember spending countless days sobbing with P told me he couldn't move to London as planned because he had to take care of his sick mother. I struggled to eat, focusing on tasks was near impossible, and dragging myself up out of bed was difficult. But once I was around people I was able to put it to one side and carry on.
This depression I'm experiencing now? It's hard to hide.
I sit in the rehearsal room, barely able to crack a smile, fighting to make small talk as required, and resting my head and body every chance I get. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to scream. Time seems to drag and this aching sensation feels like it will never end. Food is so boring. Talking is boring. TV is dull. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes the minutes tick over faster. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I feel like everything is an uphill battle.
I let the rubbish pile up this week until it was full to the rim. The dishes mounted in the sink until I could fit no more. Bits of dried cereal lay on the floor for days. Changing the channel required too much energy so the TV stayed on one channel throughout the night. I am late to most engagements because the only time I can get up and go is when I'm running late. Some days that sense of urgency is the only motivation I can find.
This show has been one of the hardest challenges of this year. It is so hard to act in a comedy when inside you're being consumed by a pit of darkness.
I was prescribed anti-depressants. And even after good friends gently encouraged me to start taking them despite my fear, they are still sitting in my bedside table drawer, the box unopened. Why? It's not the taboo. It's not a sense of 'pride'. It's a fear of an outside force dictating my mood, controlling my emotions. And yet, this depression feels just like that. Like someone has taken over my mind and body. This is not me.
This year I have been SAD. I have been DISTRAUGHT. I have been ripped up and torn apart. But it was always ME. Even when I felt out of control I knew where the emotions were coming from. Now.... I feel like I'm only just in control. It's a thin line and frankly its disturbing.
So next time someone talks about being depressed, please try to understand....it's not just that they're a bit sad and they need to 'buck up'. Help them, practically. Go round and eat with them. Try to get them out of the house for a walk or a meal. Realise that they might not want to talk. Silent company is still helpful. Encourage them to exercise by offering to do it with them. Exercise really does help but it's so hard to find the motivation. Send encouraging texts. And most of all, remember that your help might not be appreciated or accepted now, but when the fog clears they will be grateful.
As for me? Well I'm the resilient, stubborn type. I'll see my doctor again, go back to my counsellor, and generally make the most of the good days and try to go easy on myself on the bad days. I will get through this, I know that. But until then, please put with my moaning about how much this sucks, and how badly I miss him.
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