What to Say?

This is just to say
I want to write
but am stumped for words
I have countless posts
started, in progress
so much to say
Where do I start?

I toured as an actor
on a pantomime tour
for care homes.
There are stories of the residents
homes that brought tears to my eyes
and others I thought
'now this isn't so bad'
There were homes I wondered about
hygienically.
There were staff members I thought
should be praised to high heavens
and who surely were angels on earth.
And there are tales from the road
of cars breaking down, and all manner of problems
And then there were times, when it all
seemed worth it
A kind word from a resident, visitor, or staff member
a smile, a laugh, a group of elderly singing along to song
And the acting and singing itself?
Well it always feels good to perform

And then there was Christmas
It wasn't the same
The first I celebrated since losing P
The first time I wasn't with family
But it was nice, relaxed, and full of food and wine
and good company
And I was grateful
that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be

And now
as we approach 2013
I am not as scared as I was to welcome 2012
I know I can live a year without P
It's still not easy
It still doesn't feel right
The night itself will still hold a hole
just big enough for him to fill
But looking back on 2012
I can say I survived
I skydived
Learned to drive
Hiked up Snowdon
Traveled to Spain
Ran a half marathon
and started to act again

So much to say
where do I start?
When you're busy learning to live again
it's hard to find the time to write
And sometimes words
just can't do justice
to all that I'm experiencing
But I wanted to say
I want to write
To keep you abreast on my life
So I hope this helps
bridge the gap
until I can find my voice again.