Friday 22 June 2012

'If Anyone Can'

When someone you love is diagnosed with a serious illness/condition, the cliches start flying out of everyone's mouth.  We can't help it.  Words are our currency.  It feels futile, but we feel the need to say something. 
When P was diagnosed people from every corner of his life and mine came out to say 'if anyone can beat this thing, P can'.  And we believed them.  But I do remember thinking, ever so briefly, that this is one of those cliches.  Surely, no one says to someone 'you, of all people, can NOT beat this'.  And statistically, I knew that no matter how hard some people fight, no matter how fit they are when they get ill, there are some who just plain Run. Out. Of. Luck.
I attended a presentation evening a month ago to witness P's childhood friends hand over a large check to the Leukaemia & Lymphoma Research Charity.  While I was there I had the opportunity to speak to an older gentleman who has the exact same Leukaemia as P did (there are over 60 different types, I think, possibly 100's).  When I was asked to recount his diagnosis and treatment, I did so as quickly as possible, providing only the necessary detail.  And the man's response was.....'he was just really unlucky.'

Hmph. A comment meant to ease my pain? Perhaps.

It is strange.  I do feel the need, as P's prideful voice booms in my ear, to inform everyone that he did 'beat this thing'.  There were no leukaemia cells left when he went.  It was the chemo that caused the infection that took his life.  No one understands this when they say 'you can beat this'.... It's not always 'beating the cancer' that determines your fate.  Sometimes the universe has other plans.

And now, at 8 months, I have finally stopped hearing the cliches.  And I am grateful.
'He would want you to move on'
'Time heals all wounds'
'He's in a better place'
'It was God's will'
Words meant to help, I know, but words that are ultimately bankrupt of any real value.
Now people just tend to say 'I'm so sorry'.  And to them I say 'why? did you create Leukaemia? if so, we can't be friends.'  But really, there's no need for words. Throw out the cliches and the words meant to ease your tension.  If someone you love is going through a difficult time - just give them a hug, put your arm around their shoulder, or hold their hand.  It will say far more than the cliches ever could.  And if you STILL need to say something, just say 'I don't know what to say'.  Trust me, they'll thank you for it.

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